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Snap, Crackle, Bob!
Cop Saga Fans (If for some reason you find this amusing...) #Bobby Moon (Well I wrote it... So yeah...) #Parax/Pary/Talk page stalker #N.R. Plot Summary In this third Installment of The Cop Saga , many of your favorite characters are back again! This is the third play in the series, after Good Cop, Bad Cop, Bob Cop and The Good, The Bob, and The Ugly (Also by Bobby Moon). If you are a new reader, make sure to start with those, or you'll be wicked confused! Anyways... After being defeated and retreating from their rebel camp, the pirates need to formulate a new plan. Their enemies are as strong as ever and their chances are slim, but they need to pull through to protect their freedom. Their need to survive and defeat the EITC will bring them on a whole new adventure through their world. WARNING This play is a comedy! If you accept a role, expect to be made fun of for humorous purposes! If you are a reader, reading this play could cause any of the following: #Uncontrollable laughter #Laughing to death #Confusion #Awkward facial expressions #Emotional scarring for the remainder of your life *Bobby Moon and/or Full Moon Corp. are not responsible if any of these ailments should occur to you! You have been warned, ! :P Characters Main Pirate Characters *Good Cop- Basil Bridgebane *Bad Cop- Bill Plunderbones *Bob Cop- Bobby Moon Main EITC Characters *Jeremiah Garland *Cad Bane *Johnny Oldtimbers Minor Characters *Delusional Squirrel Man- Benjy Macmorgan *Scone-Stealing Whackjob- Edgar Wildrat *Rat-Throwing Rebel- Hermit *Rebel Pirate- Jack Pistol *Guru Albertus Sparka- Albert Spark *EITC Bounty Hunter- Captain Richard Venables Author's Thanks Bobby Moon would like to thank all of the cast and fans who have supported her productions. "It's you guys who inspire me and keep me going, so uhh... Thanks :P" Cast Photos Good cop bob cop 5.jpg|Snap Good cop bad cop bob cop 12.png|Crackle Good cop bob cop 6.jpg|Bob Good cop bob cop 10.jpg|The SSWJ. Garland2.jpg|Lord Jeremiah Garland Johnny Goldtimbers Pic..jpg|Lord Johnny Oldtimbers Screenshot 2011-02-19 13-46-03.jpg|Lord Cad Bane 4534.png|Benjamin: Squirrel Man Screen_shot_2011-08-24_at_3.36.24_PM.png|The Hermit Jack1.png|Jackie Pistola AlSParky.jpg|Albert Sparka Copposter.jpg Copposter2.jpg Copposter3.jpg poster4.jpg poster5.jpg poster6.jpg ---- Act 1 Scene 1 (The curtain rises. Many citizens and EITC officers are gathered in the Port Royal cemetery. A burial is taking place, and the ceremony is almost concluded. The coffin is lowered into the ground by three EITC lords: Garland, Goldtimbers, and Bane. A moment after, Garland places his hat back on his head and exits the burial ground. He is followed by the other lords. Garland storms through the walls of Fort Charles and reaches an office inside. He begins pacing.) Garland: This never should have happened. Coaleaston should not be dead! Oldtimbers: He died a hero, Lord Garland, working to exterminate piracy! Garland: His death was unneeded! Emperor Caesar provided false information and faulty backup! This entire mess is his fault. Bane: Jeremiah, you must remember that you trusted a recommendation from a madman, who often escapes an asylum.... Garland: I KNOW THAT! But this entire mess cannot be put on me. We must see to it that Caesar is hung and his salad palace is torched to the ground. Then we will hunt down the pirate scum that murdered Lord Coaleaston, and we will silence them. Oldtimbers: We shall make wanted posters to be distributed throughout the entire Caribbean. Garland: Excellent. (Pause) I want these criminals found quickly, and I want them dead. Then I shall hang their heads above my fireplace as a warning to any others who dare defy the East India Trading Company! (The lights go out.) Scene 2 (The lights come up on a makeshift camp in the Tortugan wilderness. All of our favorite rebels are sitting around a small fire when Bobby Moon and The Hermit enter through the trees. Moon is holding an old, torn piece of paper.) Bob: Guys, this is bad. (She pulls the dark hood of her cloak off.) Bill: (Sitting on a log, looking up) What is it? Bob: A wanted poster, with my face on it, that's what. You have to admit, it's a pretty good picture of me, but look at the reward... Basil: Twenty thousand gold? Even I'd be tempted to turn you in for that much! Imagine the scones that twenty-k could buy... Bill: Basil, focus! The EITC will be angry as ever after the little stunt we pulled! Hermit: Moon, you should stay off the main streets, and keep your face hidden. Any of the riffraff could turn you in for the bounty. Bob: House arrest, fun... Pistol: Probably not a fun situation, but you'll have to deal until we get the price off your head. Bob: And how do you suppose we go about that? (Dramatic pause) Pistol: We destroy the EITC once and for all. (There is suddenly the sound of an introductory piano chord and Jack Pistol begins to sing?) Pistol: We WILLLLL defeat our enemies!!! We WILLLL save the dayyyyy... (Jack is suddenly interrupted.) Bob: Dude, what the hell? This isn't a musical! Pistol: Sometimes... Sometimes I just need to sing about my feelings! Bill: Okay, go home... (All of the pirates go inside their makeshift tents, except Jack Pistol, who sits disappointedly by the fire, muttering about his feelings. The lights go out.) Scene 3 (The lights come up and we see that night has fallen. All of the pirates are preparing to go out to the tavern and party, except Bob who has to stay in hiding.) Basil: While we're out, we'll ask around and try to come up with a 'defeating EITC plan." Bob: (Rolling her eyes) And I'll stay here, out of sight, with my chicken. (She roasts a chicken leg over the fire.) Pistol: Don't feel bad! We won't have that much fun without you... Okay maybe we will... It's karaoke night down at King's Arm! Bob: Dammit, you know I love karaoke night! No one can sing Britney Spears like I can! Bill: Sorry Moon, it's for your own safety. (Everyone leaves the camp, leaving Bob alone with her meat. Moon sits by the fire for a while, until she gets cold and goes inside her tent to retrieve her cloak. When she comes out, she hears the crack of a broken stick in the woods behind her. She throws up her hood and quietly draws her sword, sneaking into the shadows. Suddenly, a young man emerges across the camp site and warns his hands by the fire, looking around for any inhabitants.) Venables: Hello? (Moon creeps up behind Venables, sword in hand. She quickly puts the blade to his throat.) Bob: Who are you? What are you doing here? Venables: (Frightened) I don't mean any harm! I am simply a bounty hunter! My name is Captain Richard Venables! Bob: (Slowly sliding her sword back into its scabbard) And who exactly are you hunting, may I ask? Venables: I am currently tracking a few high profile criminals. Bob: How interesting... (Moon is careful to keep her hood hiding her face.) Venables: Perhaps you have seen them in your travels? They are thought to he hiding somewhere in town. (Venables rummages through his black messenger bag for several pieces of parchment.) Venables: (Showing Moon) I am searching for several persons, but there is one in particular. Captain Bobby Moon: She is a murderer and pirate, among other things. Bob: Interesting... Scene 4 (Venables continues to speak indistinctly about his bounty hunting activities. Then, Moon's pirate comrades return from their night out, strolling into the camp. They are all giggling wildly, having drank quite bit of rum at King's Arm.) Bill: (Laughing) You really missed a good time! Basil: (Giggling like a schoolgirl) Yeah, Moon! We had a blast! Hey, who's this? (Pointing toward Venables) (Venables' eyes suddenly go wide.) Venables: What did he just call y...? (Moon and Venables suddenly spring to their feet, drawing their blades. They begin circling each other around the fire. The other pirates draw weapons as well, mostly unaware of what is happening.) Venables: You had me going there for a while. If your friend hadn't tripped up, you could have gotten away clean. Bob: Yes, he has a tendency to be an imbecile. Basil: (In an offended tone) HEY! (Bob shrugs.) Venables: You know that I cannot allow you lot to escape. The victims of your crimes deserve justice! Pistol: As do the victims of the crimes committed by the EITC! (Dramatic pause.) Hermit: (Turning to Pistol) That was pretty nice: Dramatic, yet forceful and badass! Pistol: Yes, that's what I was going for! (All of the pirate crack up, as Venables gives them a confused stare. Then, the rebels maintain their composure and return to the confrontation. All of the rebels begin to approach Venables.) Basil: You'd better watch yourself, mate. We have a crazy team attack coming your way... (Suddenly, a wild Hermit appears from behind Venables. The Hermit then proceeds to knock Venables out cold with a large mallet.) Basil: Or we could do that... That works too... (Hermit and Pistol bind the bounty hunter's hands and feet with a rope as the others try to decide what to do with the captive.) Scene 5 (A few moments later, Venables awakens. He is tied to a tree and gagged. The rebel camp is deserted and there are no signs that anyone was ever there.) - Set Change to Faithful Bride Tavern - (The rebels are all sitting around a table.) Bob: Now that the EITC knows we're here, we have to leave Tortuga. Bill: But where are we going to leave to? Port Royal is too risky. Bob: Maybe we could rough it on a deserted island? Pistol: Wait! Wait just one second! (Everyone looks up.) Pistol: Hermit, do you have that thing? The thing from the guy? Hermit: What thing? Pistol: (jumping up and down) THE THING!!!!!! Hermit: OHHHH, the THING!!! Yes, I have it here! (Hermit opens his bag and pulls out a folded up piece of parchment.) Pistol: There, the thing!! (The three cops stare at Jack and Hermit in confusion.) Pistol: So we were sitting in King's Arm earlier tonight... Hermit: And there was this weird guy in a black cloak. Pistol: He told us that he was familiar with our predicament. Hermit: And he wanted to help us out, so he gave us this here map. (Hermit opens the parchment to reveal a faded map.) Pistol: Aye, he said it leads to the lair of a mystical man who can help us unlock the ultimate power to destroy the EITC! Basil: It seems to be worth a shot! Bob: Yes, but where does the map start? Pistol: On the shores of one Padres del Fuego! Bill: That is quite far, but I think we can make it. And you guys didn't recognize the man who had the map? Hermit: No, we never saw his face. He seemed genuine enough. Bob: Alright, then it's settled. We'll stay in a tavern room upstairs for the night and leave for Padres del Fuego at first light tomorrow! Scene 6 (Jeremiah Garland is sitting at his desk in Fort Charles. Suddenly a shadowy figure creeps in from the balcony and sits on top of a wardrobe.) Garland: (Hearing the noise and spinning around) Who is there?! (Benjamin MacMorgan's face is revealed in the candlelight.) Benjy: It's just me, old buddy! Garland: (Drawing his sabre) We are not old friends! Or new friends! Or any kind of friends for that matter! Benjy: Well that isn't at all nice. (Benjamin chuckles while breaking a walnut open with a large mallet.) Garland: (Swinging his sabre at Benjamin) I'm sorry if I'm not in the greatest mood after you sent me a vegetable army, my friend was murdered, and the pirates responsible are still on the loose!! Benjy: No need to be so snippy, Mr. Sour-Puss. (Garland's swinging blade grazes Benjamin's leg as Benjy dodges the next blow.) Garland: I AM NOT SNIPPY!!! Benjy: Speaking of 'ole Emperor Caesar, he is very upset about the burning of his salad palace. Garland: So he isn't upset about being locked in the dungeon? Only about his palace? Benjy: Well he doesn't have to worry about that part anymore! (Benjamin cackles as he tosses some opened shackles on Jeremiah's desk.) Garland: How do you always sneak out of the asylum and complete these deeds without being seen or captured?! Benjy: (Cackling) It seems that I am just that good. (A ruckus is heard from outside the office door.) Benjy: (Running off to the balcony) That's my cue! (Benjamin sticks his head back into the room.) Benjy: And Jeremiah, the rebels aren't done yet. Not by a longshot... (Benjamin lobs a walnut at Jeremiah and his cackle fades away into the night.) Garland: What a man... Scene 7 (It is almost morning and all of the rebels are asleep in the tavern boardroom. Suddenly, everyone is awoken by the sound of a commotion outside.) Bill: What is that? (Bob sneaks out onto the balcony and looks over to see a group of about twenty EITC soldiers.) Bob: (Quietly) Yeah, there is an EITC death squad out there, and I don't think they came just to say hello. (One of the soldiers coincidentally looks up and meets eyes with Moon. The soldier points and yells to get the attention of the others. They begin storming into the downstairs of the tavern.) Bob: (Grabbing her bag) We're gonna have company in about thirty seconds... Time to roll! (The rebels run out to the balcony and hear a pounding on the locked door. They all are trying to decide where to go.) Basil: Here! Follow me! (Basil climbs up on the balcony railing and pulls himself onto the roof. The other pirates follow. They climb to a low section on the other side of the building and slide off. They begin to run toward the docks in search of a ship.) Pistol: Now how are we supposed to get out of here? Hermit: Yeah, we don't actually have a ship... We should have thought of that before... Bob: Well we're spur-of-the-moment people! I'll get us a ship! Bill: We don't have enough gold to buy a decent ship of our own. Bob: Who said anything about buying? We're pirates, remember? (Bill has an uneasy look on his face. Meanwhile, the group arrives at the docks and gazes upon the hundreds of ships in port.) Bob: Okay, Basil! Pick out one you like! Basil: (Jumping up and down) Oh goodie! (Basil's eyes lock on a large merchant vessel.) Basil: That one... 0_0 Bob: (With a mischievous grin) Challenge accepted. (Bob heads toward the merchant ship and the other rebels start to follow.) Bob: (Calling them off) Nah, I got this. (Moon runs up onto the ship, acting casually. Suddenly, yells and then splashes can be heard. Then, Moon gestures to her friends.) Pistol: I'll never understand that girl... 0_0 Hermit: Trust me, you don't want to! Scene 8 (The three EITC lords are talking in Oldy's office of Fort Charles. They are disappointed by the lack of progress in the pirate hunt.) Garland: We have posters and troops posted throughout the entire Caribbean, and NOTHING! No captures, or even sightings for that matter! Oldtimbers: Patience! It is only a matter of time! The other squabbling pirates will rat these rebels out as soon as they see the reward! Bane: Indeed! We will have the pirates' heads handed to us on silver platters. Oldtimbers: Yes, what a wonderful picture you have painted, Caddius! Garland: Unfortunately I am losing my patience! Have you forgotten that these animals murdered Lord Coaleaston, in cold blood! Oldtimbers: (Sipping tea) We know, Jeremiah! All we did was attack the rebel stronghold, kill a few people, and threaten their entire way of life, and they found it perfectly okay to attack our officers! Bane: Sickening! (Their is a knock at the door. A courier enters with a letter for Lord Garland. He reads it quickly and begins to summarize it for the other lords.) Garland: The rebels have been spotted in Tortuga!... But they were narrowly missed by EITC troops. They have fled by boat to presumably a nearby island. We are close now, gents! Bane: I can almost taste justice! We cannot be stopped now! Nothing could possibly go wrong! (Oldy turns to Bane.) Oldtimbers: Have you ever noticed that whenever you say anything like that, we completely fail?! Garland: My god, Bane! Now you've screwed us all! YOU HAD ONE JOB!! (Oldy and Garland storm out of the room in a huff.) Bane: (Shouting back) I'M SORRY!! :( I will fix it, see? WE WILL FAIL, WE WILL FAIL, WE WILL FAIL!!... (Bane continues to chant and he receives strange looks from officers passing by the door.) INTERMISSION Act 2 Scene 1 (The rebels arrive in their "borrowed" ship at Padres del Fuego.) Bob: (To Hermit) Lead the way! Hermit: (Pulling out the map) To get to the lair, we have to cross through an EITC quarry... Bill: Convenient how you're just mentioning this now! (Hermit shrugs.) Hermit: I figured I'd come up with something on the way here! Basil: Well have you come up with a plan? Hermit: (Grinning) Of course. Bob & Hermit: (At the same time) DISGUISES! (The rebels trek to Adoria Dolores' tailor shop to buy some new threads. They stroll out in a line in frilly women's dresses... Except for Bob, who is rocking some breeches and a false mustache.) Bob: (Chuckling) You guys make some really ugly chicks. Basil: Well you make a really hideous... Actually... With that mustache, I might take you out for scones some time ;) Bob & Everyone: 0_o... (The rebels head off toward the entrance to Beckett's Quarry. There are two guards outside with large muskets.) Bill: We'll take care of this... (Bill and Basil reach for their pistols.) Bob: Not yet, ladies! I don't want to engage this early. (Bob pulls a grenade from her pocket and throws it towards the gypsy stand adjacent to the quarry opening.) Pistol: (Whispering) Fire in the hole! (The grenade explodes, causing the quarry guards to rush in the direction of the explosion.) Hermit: GO GO GO!! (The rebels rush into the quarry, holding up their dresses to avoid tripping.) Scene 2 Bob: Now all we have to do is act casual, and we'll be fine.. (Bob and the "ladies" continue down the lantern-lit tunnel. Hermit consults the map and directs the group to the left.) Hermit: It's this way. (The rebels continue in silence until a voice yells out from the shadows ahead.) Veteran: WHO GOES THERE?! Basil: Well that's an original line. Pistol: These EITC blokes aren't too creative. Bob: (Whispering harshly) Quiet! I'm the man here, I'll handle this! (The guys all look down at their dress disguises.) Bill: Crap! She's right! (The guys take out their fans and start to fan themselves.) Bob: (Attempting a deeper voice) Good day, my dear fellow. Veteran: This is a restricted area! Who are you? What is your name? Bob: My name? (Bob turns back to the other rebels.) Bob: He wants to know my name?! (The guys giggle behind their fans.) Veteran: I'm waiting, sir... Bob: (Scoffing) I am Ybbob... Beckett! Veteran: Ybbob Beckett? Bob: Indeed, my good man. I am the son of one Lord Cutler Beckett. (Confusion crosses the soldier's face.) Bob: (Curling the ends of her false mustache) Perhaps you've heard of him? Veteran: Of course I have... I just was not aware he had a son... Bob: Well he must, because here I am, Captain. I decided to come down to my father's quarry to show a few of my... Err.. Lady friends around! (Hermit bats his eyelashes and waves to the soldier.) Veteran: (His eyes bulging) I see... Bob: Now I appreciate that you are vigilant at your job, but I would really hate to report to Lord Cutler Beckett that his own son was denied access to an EITC area! Veteran: (Still uneasy) Very well then... Carry on! Bob: Thank you very much, sir. (As soon as the soldier turns his back, the rebels begin to sprint toward the entrance to Lava Gorge.) Scene 3 (The rebels appear in a rocky area surrounded by lava-falls. They follow the directions on the map and reach a dead end.) Basil: (Looking around) So this is it? This is the end of the map? Pistol: Yeah! Where's the big red 'X'?! Bill: There's gotta be something else here. (Bill begins looking around for a clue.) Hermit: HAVE NO FEAR! Hermit shall solve this mystery!! (Bob lies down on a comfortable-looking rock.) Bob: Yeah, you guys have got the searching under control. I'll supervise. (The rebels, besides Bob, search for a few minutes.) Basil: (Sitting down with a huff) This is hopeless! Bill: Yeah Hermit, the map must be wrong. Hermit: (In a Sirius Black moment) THE MAP NEVER LIES!!! Pistol: You keep looking then. We'll take a break. (Everyone sits down except Hermit, who continues searching, smacking the walls with his large walking stick.) Bill: You probably won't even be able to find any hidden clue, Hermit. There might not even be anything to find! Basil: The hooded man could have lied, or someone else could have gotten here first. Bob: Or the guru could have died long ago! Hermit: No, THE MAN WILL BE FOUND!! Bill: How can you be so sure? Hermit: (Smacking his walking stick on a rock) BECAUSE HERMIT WILLS IT!!!! (Suddenly the rock that Hermit struck glows an amber color. The lava flowing down the back wall stops running and a panel of rock rises to reveal a hidden cavern. The rebels stand staring at the entrance to the secret lair.) Bob: Damn. Hermit: HUZZAHHHHH!!! (The pirates creep into the cave, which is dimly lit by torches.) Bill: (Looking around) What is this place? (Suddenly columns of lava explode fifty yards into the cave. A giant shadow appears on the back wall of the cavern.) Sparka: (Voice coming from no where) THIS... IS... SPARKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Scene 4 (The pirates approach the shadow and notice a strange man sitting on a large pillow cross legged.) Sparka: GENTLEMEN AND... Lady? I AM THE ALL POWERFUL... Pistol: Dude, you don't have to yell... We're right here! Sparka: Oh... Of course! I am the all powerful guru Albertus Sparka! I am the master of all things mystical, sketchy, and uncomfortable! Bill: That's great and all, but how is the umcomfortable supposed to hel... (Bill is interrupted when Albertus pulls out a giant feather and smacks Bill in the mouth with it.) Sparka: SILENCE!!! Hermit: (To Bill) Shut it. You should never offend anyone who controls the mystical, and more importantly the sketchy and uncomfortable! (Bill's eyes go wide at the mention of the uncomfortable.) Bill: (Bowing down) I apologize oh great master. Sparka: (Confused) Oh what the hey, I'll take it! Bob: Mr. Sparka, we come asking for your assistance. Sparka: So this wasn't just a friendly visit? It is true that they always want something... Pistol: A British menace plagues the Caribbean! Basil: They oppress our freedom and hoard all of our scones! (Sparka is confused about the scones.) Bob: We call upon you, Albertus Sparka to grant us all the power to destroy our enemy! (There is an echo on Bob's last word and then silence. The quiet is then broken by loud chewing. Everyone turns to Basil.) Basil: (With scone crumbs dribbling from his mouth) What? All this adventuring is making me tired! (Bill facepalms. Suddenly, a bongo drum beat is heard coming from nowhere.) Sparka: What is that noise?! (Then, a wild SSWJ appears from behind a rock with his headdress and spear! He grabs the scone out of Basil's mouth.) SSWJ: LOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOO!!!!! (The SSWJ runs through the entrance to the cave.) Basil: Aww come on!! I thought we were past all this! Sparka: Who in Sparka's name was that? Bob: It's not important! So are you going to help us or not?! Sparka: First, we must see if you all are worthy... Scene 5 Bob: Well I personally think that we're pretty worthy, so if you could just grant us the magical power, we could be on our way... Sparka: SILENCE!!! You must first complete a few challenges! Bill: Like what? Sparka: First, you must leave this place and go through the jungle if El Suduron! Find the skeleton general known as Darkhart and bring me back whatever you find in his pockets! Pistol: What are we supposed to find? Sparka: No time to discuss that! JUST MAKE WITH THE GOING! Bill: You can't really expect us to find something if you won't tell us what it is? Sparka: Of course I can, because THIS IS SPARKA!! (The rebels clear out of the cavern and head toward El Suduron and General Darkhart. Guru Sparka is left alone on stage.) Sparka: It's so nice to have visitors. It would be pity if they don't survive their encounter with my bony enemy. (Sparka's eyes shift around the stage from side to side.) Sparka: And I'm talking to myself again... Maybe I should get myself a cat or a hobby or something... Being an all powerful guru can be quite lonely... Mostly due to the fact that I live in a cave inside a volcano... Audience: Awwwwwwww :( Sparka: Thank you, sympathetic voices from nowhere! Oh great, now I'm hearing voices... I don't want to end up in an asylum like my good friend Benjamin... (Sparka begins to walk offstage.) Sparka: Maybe I'll see the dockworker about getting that cat... Scene 6 Category:Fan Plays Category:Fan Stories Category:The Cop Saga